girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
