I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
