He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize