Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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