I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
