Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My bed smells like the plague
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
