I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
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today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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