Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
