but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
