I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
