you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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