Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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