im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
