All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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