She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
being pregnant is like rehab
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
