My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Randomize
