Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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