I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
People in love make me want to vomit
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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