my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
