We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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