You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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