Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
