I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
