We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
