I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
