hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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