How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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