why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
