So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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