If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
