i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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