You made me cry and you don't even care
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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