We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
