It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
