I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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