update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
