Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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