took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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