the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
