an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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