If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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