Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
