do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
