Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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