You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
