Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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