Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
