What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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