he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
