I seem to have left my pride at pride
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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