found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
