you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
