I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
