the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
