I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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