Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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