I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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