I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
